" ' urgent fear ' is such a terrible name for them because it ’s neither pressing nor do they actually care . " — @lordsteele
There’s nothing quite like a quick, funny little quip, which is why, every week, I round up allll thefunny tweets from the week.
This week was no exception to funny little quips, so let’s get right into ‘em:
1.
sometimes when I do n’t want to give the $ 100 therapy copay I go to my acquaintance ’s house and babble extra loud until her husband who ’s work on his psych PhD goes “ do you mind if I say something ”
2.
I asked my 8yo if he care my sleeveless blouse , he said " the colour ’s fine , but I do n’t care public armpits " 😭 Public . Armpits . It ’s going directly to Goodwill
3.
I ’m convinced they sold these pre - dust-covered cause I ai n’t never ensure a sporting onehttps://t.co/L47xo6B4S2
4.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do , so i said i study philosophy , and he immediately says “ oh nice man you hear it was Kant ’s three-hundredth birthday a few week ago ? i bet you people run wild for that ”
5.
Went to Dunkin in Europe and they had this word of advice at the counterpic.twitter.com/5x0PZLBVt6
6.
It ’s so funny to me the chairman of France ’s last name is Macron it ’s like if we had a President named President Choclate Chip Cookie
7.
gracious tabs you get open on your web browser that you ’re CRT screen sharing sidekick , hope you do nt beware if I scrutinise them all and make sweeping sagaciousness about your personality based on what I am seeing
8.
no presidential debates just this and a stopwatchpic.twitter.com/Ez5l04I6IF
9.
my client throw off up during her wax and i palm it so unprofessionally i literally screamed and ran
10.
I overleap codependent friendships like who wants to hang out for 66 sidereal day straight
11.
When someone is like ugh sorry my hair is oily it ’s like in earnest thanks for excuse . We were all thinking about it and it ’s actually form me nauseous
12.
quitting a bad occupation is n’t enough i postulate them to go out of business after i leave
13.
you have NO idea what i ’ve been through . my parents are NOT divorcedhttps://t.co/DPpPD8HPcQ
14.
Thinking about how my family passed down drunkenness instead of generational wealthpic.twitter.com/ZmRz0MYnpZ
15.
Hate when you institutionalise a employment email and sense relived to put the ball in someone else ’s courtyard but then they write back like 10 minutes later and you ’re like GODDAMMIT
16.
" urgent care " is such a terrible name for them because it ’s neither urgent nor do they actually care
17.
Doing dishes at my mamma & my stepdad ’s … they met online 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 pic.twitter.com/9f7Q5bOIhs
18.
not the flowerspic.twitter.com/m56mhysWeE
19.
I m not going to lie . iCarly was right , resilient life , breathe air , i know somehow we ’re gon na get there
20.
real all - timekeeper this morningpic.twitter.com/r8af3WFrq5
21.
I ’ll never leave this call I father when I exercise at a bank this lady called in as the authoritative exploiter on her husband ’s credit card … . sister when she ask me what grindr was ? ? ? ? ! ! … one of my lungs crumble i took the longest intermission she thought I hang up ..
22.
For clearing : I ’m in the wedding party industry and own a bridal beauty parlour / sell nuptials dresses . He was not essay to court these women 😂 🫶🏼
23.
reprimanded for taking my laptop out at TSA as if they did not just drop twenty days chew out me for not taking my laptop computer out
24.
Seriously what on earth the chances that the fastest man of all time naturally had the surname “ Bolt ” like he was the first ever industriousness plant
25.
I ’m not arguing with firm feeder anymore , you get the bowlhttps://t.co/9f2rwhirgipic.twitter.com/DtxDt0lvRi
26.
fast feeder then wondering why they get bad tummy aching and are bloated like they did n’t just absorb up their food like an industrial vacuum cleanerhttps://t.co/XqpPaUzhYa
27.
Felt like being a little puckish todaypic.twitter.com/XXIDG2Xr7B
28.
Happy 3 twelvemonth anniversary to the prison term that I was support in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I make the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pluck up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom call it the “ clappiest topographic point on solid ground ”
29.
I get it on when british people call a flashlight a blowlamp like we get it you go through the center long time
30.
bro take on out a 2nd mortgage to pay up for this mealhttps://t.co/BxtTO85oY4
31.
Pizza Hut hire me on the topographic point because of my conditionpic.twitter.com/uF4zSw5H9h
32.
appear like the hombre from ratatouille chitchat up an orangutanhttps://t.co/Z08zlu39QK
33.
How internet site finger making you click “ No thanks , I do n’t wish barren material ! ” on a pop-uppic.twitter.com/tNsIa9x1Lp
34.
last Nox i was drinking a non - alcoholic beer and the baby want to try it so i let her and she do it it and kept going back for more which would normally be okay but we were at a brewery so the optics were kind of like , not gravid
And lastly:
35.
that one infant going to the Four Seasons Orlando : https://t.co/3OBjZxAmnM
That’s a wrap for this week! Don’t forget to shoot these creators a follow if they made ya laugh. And for more funny tweets, check out our most recent roundups:
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